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74 thoughts we had while watching Hulk and The Incredible Hulk back to back

Erlar

Sept. 12, 2019

Previously on "Courtney Makes Terrible Decisions," I elected to watch all four Twilight movies in a row . Those of you familiar with my work know that this was not the first time I've done truly Hellraiser -level acts of self-torture all for art and journalism. For, you see, I am an artist and a journalist . But after the Twilight -palooza, I thought I'd hang up my BBQ potato chips and give myself a break.
But then Avengers: Endgame came, and with it, Hot Zaddy Hulk. (Spoiler image and newly awakened fetish you didn't know you had — scroll if you haven't seen Endgame / aren't ready for the pants feelings you're about to experience.)
And with Hot Zaddy Hulk, we glimpsed our sexy future, and all we can say is: Go back.
Mark Ruffalo as Hulk was a revelation. He gave us an excellent Banner and a ferocious big green hunka beast. But what about the Hulks who came before him? Sitting pretty at a 62% and a 67% on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer, respectively, were the prior two iterations of the character — 2003's Hulk and 2008's The Incredible Hulk — all that bad?
Only one woman can handle this job. And you wouldn't like her when she's angry.
Hulk (2003)
The opening credits of this movie go from late ‘90s Windows screensaver realness to jellyfish poking to starfish stabbing to sea cucumber prodding and it’s a lot and it’s science but it’s also maybe ceviche.
Meanwhile, a monkey is just watching all this happen knowing his little monkey turn is coming. RUN, MONKEY.
The monkey did not run. The monkey got hotboxed. You might say he *puts on sunglasses* shocked the monkey. Haha, we have a lot of fun here but seriously that scared monkey is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Marvel/Universal
Y’all this movie is wild. Marvel/Universal
So I’m not clear on what’s happening but Daddy David Banner Mustache man gets distracted by tiny baby Bruce Bana thighs (we get it — baby thighs are the best) and Baby Bruce might have a case of the baby Hulks and all I want now is a baby to Hulk out.
LOL these notes. Marvel/Universal
GIVE ME MY HULK BABY, MOVIE.
OK, we did not get a baby Hulk but I think we instead got David Banner Mustache Man killing Mrs. Banner Mustache Man while Baby Bruce played with his stuffy animal friends with super fast powers and I’m experiencing a lot of… things.
The presence of Lou Ferrigno makes this the best Stan cameo of all time.  Marvel/Universal
This movie has more wipes than the entire Star Wars franchise. I honestly don’t know how to describe what is happening here other than this heavily sped up gif I just made. Like… this is just the whole movie. Wipes and zooms and it just seems like Ang Lee had a lot of fun with all the transitions available in the free version of Adobe Premiere. Marvel/Universal
Josh Lucas deserved a way better career. This is neither a hot take nor a controversial opinion and I will not be taking questions at this time.
I mean, I know what they're going for. The movie is made to resemble comic book panels. In theory, it is actually a cool idea. In practice, it is that I’m getting dizzy and a bit motion sick. Marvel/Universal
OK honestly how dare this movie strip Sam Elliott of his luscious locks. This is sadder than A Star Is Born. Marvel/Universal
Bruce is daydreaming and possibly flashbacking about selfies coming to life and in that daydream-flashback he’s wearing a mock turtleneck and within that daydream is a Jennifer Connelly flashback-actual dream wherein future Bruce chokes a baby Jennifer Connelly and now it’s all over and a poodle tried to bite Bruce and I cannot overstate both how much and how little is happening in this film.
David Banner Mustache Man grows up to be Nick Nolte who is kind of just playing Nick Nolte. I have no trouble imagining that Nick Nolte also pokes frogs.
“Radiation is awesome tho. Healthy. It's kale but with cancer.” — Superhero movies.
Nick Nolte is visiting Bruce Gamma Bana in the hospital with his murder dogs including that murder poodle, with whom he shares a hairstyle. He tells Bruce his name is not Bruce Krenzler which is great because I had no idea Bruce’s name was Bruce Krenzler and now I know that it isn’t. I’m all caught up.
What this movie is telling me is that dads are bad. And science kinda isn’t great either. And mustaches are definitely problematic.
A frog just exploded. That’s a thing that happened. It happened quickly though because this Bruce-turning-into-Hulk montage is kind of Event Horizon-y.
OH HELL YEAH SPLODEY PANTS. Marvel/Universal
Y’all we’ve really made some strides in CGI since 2003.  Marvel/Universal
Growly yelling Sam Elliott is awesome and now I kind of want him as J. Jonah Jameson. The southern drawled J.J.J. we deserve.
Nick Nolte’s murder dogs are actually Hulk dogs and if this movie won’t give me Baby Hulk it WILL give me Puppy Hulks. GIVE. ME. MY. HULK PUPS.
I mean that was a lovely house he just burst through. Does homeowner’s insurance cover Hulkery?
Look, I did not sign up for the Hulk beating up dogs, however murdery they may be.
The exact moment Jennifer Connelly realized what kind of movie she’s in. Marvel/Universal
Because, you see, that movie features a very prolonged scene of our hero beating the absolute sh*t out of a bunch of dogs.
And now it’s a naked sweaty Eric Bana movie and I was fully onboard and then he started to strangle Jennifer Connelly and I am all the way back off-board.
Bruce just got shot in the leg with one of those fuzzy darts and you know what he probably would have been fine if he’d been wearing those durable Hulk pants instead of shorts and black socks like some kind of dweeb.
Nick Nolte did a gamma whip-it and has jelly flubber hands now because of science. He scienced too hard on account of the whip-its and his hands became jelly flubber.
Bruce is floating in a big pool of anger and science. It’s very Splash meets Stranger Things meets none of those things because those are good and this is, you know, not that.
“It was as though she and that knife were merged.” I mean… yeah… that’s basically what stabbing someone is.
Wow, this movie actually kind of is Splash but bad though.
YOU GUUUUYYYYYYSSSSSS. FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID THIS MOVIE IS GREAT.
What a week he’s having, amirite? That’s a Splash reference. I wish I was watching Splash right now is what I’m saying.
I mean, now the movie is just Hulk sadly staring at plants but for a minute there, everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
Nick Nolte just plugged himself into Bruce like he's a car that needs a jump and now he's a rock monster.
Yes "rock monster" should be said like this. He wasn't a rock. He was a rock! monster! Ahhhhhhhhhaaaahhhhh.
Now he's a sky genie? Now this is the end of Aladdin? Now he's a bubble?
One year later and Bruce is living in South America sporting the finest crepe hair beard this side of Cannibal! The Musical.
The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Whereas Hulk was an origin story, this film knocks out its origin story in the opening credits, an origin story I tbh did not understand until I looked at Wikipedia. It involves trying to give Bruce Banner a big injection of Steve Rogers (I VOLUNTEER) to turn him into Captain Gammarica or something. It doesn’t go well.
Bruce going off to find himself, Eat Pray Love-style, in Brazil. By that I mean, mostly wearing tank tops or eschewing shirts all together.
Also this. This is also a thing that happens.
Bruce now works in a soda factory where his boss is all “you’re too smart for day labor” and then Bruce immediately bleeds all over the soda so, like, maybe he isn’t.
I mean, same.
He also uses the online handle “Mr. Green” so I really do question the supposed intelligence of Dr. Norton Banner here.
Bruce’s blood soda killed Stan Lee! THIS ALONE IS GODDAMN TREASON. I’M TEAM ROSS NOW.
In movies, the heroes are all like “I need to go far away to keep people safe” and what that seems to mean is “I’m gonna go to a brown people country and put them in danger instead.” Heroic!
When you’re on the run from the US military and your IBS kicks in.
More like on the runs from the military, amirite?
Lou Ferrigno did the Hulky vocals in this movie and yes Lou, get that money. One Hulk to rule them all.
Look, yes, it took them a few movies to figure out the right actor but it also took them a few movies to figure out his hair.
Ross brings in Tim Roth to take down Banner but apparently only Banner the man(ner) and does not inform Tim Roth that Banner has a tendency to take a turn for the green-and-beefys. That seems like vital information.
Bruce wakes up in Guatemala which is more than 3,000 miles away. Like… how? What in the big green Forrest Gump was he doing? What is the timeline here? He’s not known for his speed. Does he just have a really powerful stride? Does he work on his power walking in the mall when he’s not doing gut yoga?
Double the Lou, double the fun. GET PAID, FERRIGZ.
I mean in terms of weaponry, turning people into big green mall walkers doesn’t seem especially practical. More trouble than it’s worth, really.
Your boyfriend is a military target on the run from your dad, WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIS HAT OFF, BETTY? Admittedly it’s a terrible disguise but it’s all he had. Bruce is bad at incognito. Great at apparently walking from Brazil to Virginia but terrible at most other things.
First, he has no hat and then decides to run through a building made of windows. HE IS SO BAD AT THIS.
I mean let's be real here, Bruce basically kicked a dude to death with his big Hulk foot. He didn’t know Tim Roth also has the greensicles. If he didn’t, Hulk definitely would have liquified Tim Roth’s organs.
Ty Burrell is a good guy in this movie. He’s basically the Hulk version of Bill Pullman in Sleepless in Seattle. YOU DESERVE BETTER, TY BURRELL.
Some of us will put up with a lot from a dude just to get that D. Love yourself, Betty!
Betty’s surprised that Bruce is back to normal when she wakes up but she was the big spoon which means she was big spooning the Hulk and honestly that’s a scene they should have kept in. That’s a scene we deserve.
“We can’t take credit cards or phones but I’m gonna real quick email this top secret data to a dude’s work email, sure why not.” Again, I cannot stress enough that Bruce is very stupid. He is very bad at hiding. Hiding and not bleeding in sodas. Great at road trips though.
How did that dinky little necklace get them enough money for a truck and gas all the way to NYC and cab fare?
This movie has Tim Roth and Tim Blake Nelson. A veritable murder of Tims in this film.
This is why Proactiv makes a body wash.
Tim Roth just knocked a woman out and said “she’s an annoying bitch” because what this movie needed was misogyny. Betty Ross’s entire character is just dudes telling her what to do but that wasn’t enough and we needed just full on lady-hating so thank you movie, you’re crushing it.
Tim Roth is a dinosaur now and Tim Blake Nelson has lumpy head. Now it’s an actual murder of Tims.
“What is that thing?” “Shoot it!” Ah yes, the American way.
OK but I’d rather have this movie. I want the Michael K. Williams “Omar sees a dinosaur” movie.
Now let’s just f*ck up Harlem I guess. This whole scene is about gentrification. Damn, white people, even when we're green we ruin everything.
Hulk always wears pants but Tim Rothmonsterman does not. I don't understand the pants rules.
And in the end, Bruce moves to Canada to do yoga and also become a magician I guess.
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