I want to be the girl I was before you
Nov. 22, 2020
Before you I was okay.
I saw people in love and I wasn’t jealous. I didn’t know what that felt like, but I also didn’t crave it because my life seemed okay without it.
I thought love was a beautiful thing and I knew that one day it would find me with its arms outstretched, wonderful and amazing and incredible like it truly is.
But I was okay.
And then I met you and everything I thought I didn’t need to be happy, consumed me with passion. It was like my mind was re-wired overnight.
I never knew I could feel so many emotions at once. I was happy before, satisfied even, but meeting you made me realise how much was actually missing in my life.
I never believed in the hype over love, but that changed faster than I care to admit.
Everything that everybody has ever said about love is true. Everything that they portray in the movies, in songs, in TV shows and books is absolute, 100 per cent true.
That type of love is real. I know this because I had it, I felt it, I lived it. I have never felt happiness like the happiness that this person gave me.
It consumed my every thought and movement. I was in love. Hell, I had found the love of my life! For two-and-a-half years I leapt through life with this wonderful feeling. I had never felt more confident, more sure, more beautiful than I did with this person.
Sure, there were bad days, nights and fights. But the good was so good it overpowered any of the bad. I felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world; I still feel so lucky for being able to experience that ecstasy.
For two-and-a-half years I grew into a woman I never knew I could be. I conquered and created.
I started building a future with the dreams I never thought would come true so soon. I had Pinterest boards filled with our life; I had even more dreams filled with our future. I never thought that this would ever end.
I never thought that maybe, just maybe, the love of my life didn’t love me back.
I never thought you would break my heart the way that you did after nights spent talking about our future house, our kids, and our plans to grow old together.
On February 14th, the happiness I had felt for so long was thrown away. It was destroyed so carelessly and unexpectedly that I truly thought I would never get it back.
On February 14th, we became just me. Just Lauren. I became the girl I was before you.
And yes, it broke my heart to lose somebody I thought was the love of my life, but it devastated me, even more, to realize that I didn’t know how to be the Lauren I was before you.
In two-and-a-half years, I had forgotten how to be alone. I had forgotten because it never once crossed my mind that one day you would wake up and not want me anymore.
I didn’t prepare myself for this. I didn’t make a back-up plan. I didn’t expect, that, a love so passionate and so life-altering would end.
In the months since that day, I’ve tried my hardest to remember how to be who I was before you.
Now that I’ve had a taste of what love can be like, I don’t want to live without it. I don’t want to build my future without you.
In the months since that day, it’s been as messy as any breakup is. Lots of fights, lots of tears, lots of reminiscing and desperately trying to hold on when you’re letting go.
In the months since that day, I’ve also started to heal. I’ve started to remember how to be the Lauren I was before you.
Before you, I never cried myself to sleep over a text.
Before you, I never felt rejected or not good enough.
Before you, I was resilient and carefree. I went to sleep every night perfectly okay with being single. I never once felt like I was missing something or someone.
I hope that soon I remember how to live my life as the girl I was before you.
I hope that this taste of love was a teaser for what’s to come.
I hope that I slowly become who I was before you. I miss that girl more than I miss our love. I miss it more because she never hurt as I do now.
Finding the person you were before heartbreak isn’t an easy task. I wish I could sit here and give you some sort of instructions on how to be okay, on how to be the girl or boy you were before your broken heart.
There is no magical path, though. All you can do is remind yourself that this person, this amazing person who gave you all this love and happiness, is no longer going to give you those things.
Maybe your love story is over, for now; maybe it’s over forever. But you must be selfish and think about only yourself now. You have you, just like you had you before.
In the last two-and-a-half years, I experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows. I met the love of my life.
I experienced a love story that most people only get to daydream about. I met somebody who became my best friend and my saviour. I learned so much about myself and about love.
I will miss you every day. You became a part of me like nobody else ever has. I have nothing but good things to say about you or us.
I never thought I would lose not only you but also the person I was before you. But I will find her again. I will be okay. I will be the girl I was before you.