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Wife cheated...Now What [UPDATE]


Sept. 09, 2019

Several people have requested an update (I am cross-posting to all the forums where I first posted). First, thanks for all the advice and pms. They were really helpful, as well as the recommended reading people suggested.
The whole thing is so messed up. The short version is that my wife figured out that I knew. We had a long discussion (discussion on my end, lots of yelling, crying, and emotions on her end). Based on what she said, I decided I am done. I talked to several attorneys and then presented my wife with 2 options: 1) she could sign a stipulated divorce petition dividing everything 50/50 except retirement accounts and agree to 50/50 custody; or 2) I would serve her with a summons and contested divorce petition and we could go to war and spend our kids future arguing. Reluctantly, she agreed to the stipulated divorce. We have an appointment with a joint attorney/mediator later this week to make sure we have everything covered. Once filed, we have to wait 6 months for a hearing and for it to be finalized.
This whole ordeal has been like I am walking in a dream. Based on the advice/reading material, I have tried my best to not show any sign of being upset/angry. Based on the details of the affair that trickled out, I am more disgusted and sad then angry, anyways. But, it has taken every ounce of willpower I have not to show anger or yell.
I contacted the wife of the AP, and apparently, this is not the first time he has done this. Whats even more disgusting is she asked me if I wanted to “get even”…… I politely declined.
My STBX has just been a mess; she left for a few days to spend with her parents; she came back on Sunday. She has gone from pleading for forgiveness to being nasty and hurling insults and insinuating that it was my fault---apparently, I used to be fun and make her laugh, but now I am “boring” and all I talk about is work, money/budget, scheduling, and chores, our dates are “always the same”…and I would rather clean and do yardwork then spend time with her---(In other words, she doesn’t like me being a responsible adult….but I digress). At one point, I was seriously considering forgiveness until I found out that they did not even use protection…..that was the end for me. (On the bright side, we haven’t been intimate for so long, I shouldn’t need to worry about anything, but I am still getting tested)
We haven’t told the kids yet. We agreed to 50/50 custody on a weekly rotating basis. We both make about the same and work full time, so no child support or maintenance. I have been sleeping downstairs, as, quite honestly, I cannot stand the sight of her. She keeps trying to get me upset and to “engage” and I won’t. I am just so exhausted, depleted, and feel like a failure. We were coming up on 10 years in a few months. She totally lost it when I told her I had booked a 1.5-week vacation for us to revisit where we went on our honeymoon and now had to cancel. She got so angry that I “didn’t tell her” and wanted it to be a surprise. ( I had also ordered an exact one-layer replica of our wedding cake, which I cancelled this morning).
I already transferred ½ of our checking and savings to a new account and have diverted my paycheck there as well. I am looking for a new house.... I don’t think she has fully accepted what is happening and just spends most of her free time crying. Last night she played the CD mix of our wedding songs…I went downstairs and turned on some metal and lifted.
So, I am just trying to accept things and move on. Trying to make a lot of self-improvement…started exercising again, quit drinking….trying to be the best I can be and still be a good dad.
My best friend who just went through a divorce is trying to give me dating advice, but, to be honest, I really have no interest in dating, relationships, or anything.
I’ll update again when the divorce is finalized. Thanks everyone.
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