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My [25f] Husband [28M] got upset after reading my journal after I said I didn't need therapy.

Matthew

Feb. 14, 2020

The title is a little confusing, I think. Also... I'm sorry for how long this turned out... if you even read it, thank you.
I've had a kind of difficult life. It hasn't been a complete horror story like how other people might have had. Verbal abuse in the home, moving around a lot, no sense of security. Been depressed since I was a kid... But I've been depressed most of my life so I just... don't handle it?
I met my husband online 5 years ago. We were long distance for a while until we made the choice for me to come to the USA (From the UK). I love him with all my heart. We're child-free (We both physically can't have kids. 100% positive. No way we could both have an 'oopsie' baby, trust me.) and super happy.
The problem is... I came here 3 years ago. I obviously couldn't work, I just stayed home all day while he worked. But, honestly? He was super happy and didn't mind having to wait for me to start work. We love each other a lot, and still do. Then... last year, a week after I got my SSN and Green card and finally look for work... I had a major accident. I was in a car accident (he wasn't with me) and I literally broke my spine. Bone went into my nerve column, yeah, it was, uh, painful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So... I obviously needed surgery, and I'm still recovering.
He was an absolute dream while I recovered. Always didn't mind doing things for me, bending down to pick stuff up, helping me into the shower (which was embarrassing and probably my least favorite part).
I just... lay on the couch/in bed all day. And I've been keeping a journal for the past couple years for those BAD depression episodes... To make matters worse, 3 months after I broke my back... my dad died. My mental state is still kind of fucked up from that. It was completely random. Heart attack in his sleep. He made dinner the night before and was completely normal... until my mom couldn't wake him up in the morning. It was horrible.
So, my husband knows from my childhood and the events from the past year... my mental state is not the best. I can't leave the house because I can't drive (no car since the accident, he just has his that he uses to get to work), I can't work (yet, i'm getting close though...), all I do is sit at home and play video games. It sounds amazing, doesn't it? But he suggested I go to a therapist. I said no, because... he needs one more. He's been having problems at work, feeling anxious and the whole "full time grind" has been getting to him. I want HIM to go see a therapist.
We can't afford two at the same time. We're poor. So I tell him that him getting help is way more important because he's the breadwinner and I just want him to be happy. He asked if I was sure, I said 100%. and I stick by that.
Then, last night, he checks my journal. It's completely open to him, because communication can sometimes be a sore spot for us, so him seeing what I'm feeling through that just... helps? And it's worked for a long time.
To make it short, he read my journal last night. I had a bad depressive episode the night before.
I'm... I don't know how to say this without sounding weird. I feel subhuman. I don't leave the house. I just talk to people online. The only person I see is him, every day (which I dont mind, I love him). I can't leave because it's winter, and even a short walk here would be dangerous. I could slip on ice and crack a screw in my spine or something. I just feel like I'm existing in my own little world. People are being... normal, going to work, going out to dinner, seeing movies... I'm just... here. I'm lucky if I shower more than twice a week. I feel ugly. I feel like a swamp witch with my unkempt frizzy hair and stinky clothing. (I cant do laundry, yay! I love having a fucked up spine! another thing he has to do, on top of working! yay!)
I just feel... like I'm not here. 20 people will read this post, maybe, and thanks if you do, but I'm well and truly just... nothing would change if I disappeared. People would be sad, but nothing would... happen? I offer no benefit to anything other than my husband and some friends I talk to online, because I'm funny. I don't mean that as a humble brag, I've had to learn to be funny in order to not be "the depressed girl" in high school.
I feel like I have cabin fever. I feel... absolutely insane sometimes, like I want to scream. And even when I can work... what work can I even do? Retail? With my bad spine that will possibly affect me my whole life? I'm going to be useless forever.
Anyway, he read all that. And now he's saying he doesn't want therapy and that I should go. But I honestly don't consider it a big deal, I just... live with it. He says he doesn't know what to do, and I don't either.
I have contemplated suicide, but not for the last couple months. I feel like I'm on the bottom rung of society. I feel like I have to apologize to people when I actually shower and go out with my husband (shopping, etc) for even having to look at me.
I didn't mean to turn this into a vent post, and I'm sorry about that. I don't usually reach out for help, honestly. I never talk about how I'm feeling, besides with my husband sometimes. So, I'm sorry if this post is a mess. I think I have undiagnosed ADHD as well, but that's a whole other can of worms that we probably can't afford help for.
tl;dr Husband wants me to go to therapy. I said no, that he needs it more since he's the one working full-time. Husband read my journal, and is now trying to push me to go to therapy, which I still think he deserves more.
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